Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
