I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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