just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
