Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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