I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
