don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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