I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
