Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
