Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
