You can't motorboat a personality
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
