You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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