I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
