the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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