i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
