then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
