i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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