the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
What a dumb baby whore.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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