i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
