I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
