so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
