the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
