Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
