New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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