I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
