Your face is a jimmy john
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
