im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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