I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
