everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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