I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
