I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
