she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
