Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
