im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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