you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
