obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
