i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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