Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
