apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
