I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
