Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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