Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
