You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
