u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
