1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
