I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
