I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
