I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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