Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
