Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
