Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
