He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
